How to get a man to marry you

Ladies today I give free advice. I tell you when you know if the prince you have waited for patiently will be lame enough to bend one knee( assuming it is intentional) and produce a very expensive(cheap is expensive as well) piece of mineral to ask you the words all men dread, Will you marry me? First of all the whole ordeal is scary and as much as men are thought of as the lion slayers, (read goliath if your man is called David) they are all a bunch of sissies. If you don’t believe me, see how he reacts when you ask him to meet your parents, or worse your hot friends (if he has slept with any of them ).

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Ok let me get down to business but before I do here are a few confessions I have to make. Jessica Alba is hot, so hot that it hurts to see her looking so adorable.

So if you want your man to get on his knees and ask you that stupid question do the following. Mind you this list is not in order of significance.

  1. 1.       Play play station  with him

If a man pauses his PS even once to listen to you, then I bet the writing is on the wall. He is either dumb enough to think the pause will change his losing streak or he is trying to ask you to get the hell out of his life. If he does this everyday, then he thinks you are his mother. That is not good especially if you will want to sleep with him.

If you are really serious enough about him then you need to learnt to play the freaking games and be warned never beat a man at PS because then he’ll start treating you like one of the boys (that’s bad as long as he never sleeps with the boys).

  1. 2.       Make sure his beer never runs out

Beer is all any man needs to have fun, he doesn’t need you but he needs a constant supply of beer, that’s where you come in. Don’t tell him he drinks too much because he will know he has had too much if he wakes up in the morning and doesn’t remember he promised to take you to a picnic, or a walk.

  1. 3.       Cook his favourite food, frequently

All mums tell their daughter’s that the way to a man’s heart is through the stomach so trust your mum if she managed to get your day and keep him all that time. This holds as long as your dad is not holding onto the marriage because no hot girl finds him attractive, he can’t wash his clothes or he’s just a coward who won’t take any risks.

  1. 4.       Don’t grill him where he was

If a child hates when you ask them where they were, my bet is that a man loathes the person who asks them this question. You know men are like animals, they want to roam like a dog, have long orgasms like the pig and have threesomes like a female dog. So if you ask them where they were you remind them that they are not animals yet and that hurts.

  1. 5.       Don’t nag

The reason why he bought a music system, a television and an ipod is to listen to them and not you. So take your place and let the electronics do their work. Believe it or not, he knows you are always right, have more than enough shoes, always look beautiful and your mama is a bitch so don’t make him tell this to you over and over again.

Who wants to apologize for nothing and everything anyway?

  1. 6.       Keep the toilet seat up

There’s a reason its called a toilet seat so if nobody is sitting on it, for heaven’s sake keep it up!! Otherwise he might walk in with his eyes close and piss on it (pun intended) accidentally.

  1. 7.       Don’t throw away his pornography

How do I even explain this so that you understand? Yeah! I get it that’s the way it is, no question s asked.

  1. 8.       Ask him to write down all the things he would love you to do and do them diligently

This I bet is the king of all points aforementioned. If you do this today, tomorrow you will be engaged, believe me. I lie a lot anyway.

 

  1. 9.       Don’t compare him with the neighbor’s husband

If you like the neighbor’s husband, walk over to the neighbor and tell her but don’t start saying who drives a bigger car, owns a better job, lives in a better furnished house, exercises, doesn’t lie all day doing nothing lest you want your man to tell you that the neighbor’s wife is hotter than you.

Keep telling him he’s the best man in the world even though he’s not, will never be and has never been. Sometimes don’t start fishing unless you are ready to face the shark.

 

  1. 10.   Look beautiful and sexy

This is means a lot to any man to walk the streets and keep looking to his left at the most beautiful woman around. Every man feels good if other men keep admiring what he has especially if it is a woman. Be warned though that this will never stop him from looking at other things on offer. Remember Robert Knepper said, “Just cos am checking the menu doesn’t mean I’ll have dessert.”

I hope that helps y’all.

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7 responses to “How to get a man to marry you

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