The art of Shitting

So guys am introducing a new thing, every post will come with a quote of the week and because next Monday will be Labour day in Kenya, I decided to do the post early. So here goes::



She’s breathing heavily and sweating through every pore in her body. Her eyes roll uneasily from side to side as if trying to figure out how she got in this situation she keeps adjusting her immense figure to find a better sitting position and each time she does that someone tags at her and begs her to be considerate. In her sweaty palms she desperately clutches her idiotic phone. She tries to reach her bag to reach into the smaller bag inside it and then into the smaller bag inside the smaller bag but her position provides resistance. She looks helplessly to her left and is met with a look that seems to say “who tells you am any comfortable.”  Just when she thinks it couldn’t get any worse a foul mouth and stinking tout snaps his filthy fingers in front of her face. She feels like shouting but is held back at being seen a weirdo because in this noble city in Sahara people have learnt to live with such. They find overlapping fun, no music boring and loud music is the new barometer for hippiness. Graffiti stain every car in the street and in  fact the public have not been left behind, no wonder you see cars with mud spray on them even in the driest Nairobi weather. Somebody told me that there’s a new skunk works place where you get your car sprayed with mud for KSHs. 50, wow who can take me there cos my conscience needs more mad and less alcohol.

I’d  love to say that I can rectify this situation on our roads. I would love to say that I got a way of raising Michuki from the dead, reinstating him in his environment ministry then giving him a transfer into the transport docket. I would even love to say that I know a guy who makes Michuki’s brevity and deptness sound like shitting in the bush. Crap! Wipe that because for those of us who have shit in the bush nothing is more fun. You know God created things to go together: sleeping and waking, talking and STFU, bitches and angels, Avril and Kalkye. I hope you see my drift because shitting and eating are that together in fact more than chanda na pete. These two need each other because without having something to eat you can’t shit, if of cos you ignore all politicians, matatu touts and Kanjo who do shit from their mouth that will make an Omundu Mulosi taking a plate of ugali with Engokho rethink the real use of the mouth. Eating is fun, a tale shitting has never shared before. Many people always take shitting for granted because they don’t see the underlying significance of it but were they to learn the importance of releasing all the toxics from all those “sweet on the lips thick on the hips” kinda food we consume then they will understand its significance. Am afraid I can’t teach about the significance of shitting but I can about the proper ways to do so.

Shitting should be a fun activity and it shouldn’t involve you wailing in the toilet waiting for a pollen grain to drop from your mighty butt hole before you sigh heavily with some sense of relief. No shitting shouldn’t be that. It shouldn’t even be those moments when you rush into a public toilet and squeeze your butt in order that nobody hear you endesha only to finish and realize that yu didn’t pick the toilet paper on your way in. shitting shouldn’t be the days when you have your eyes closed squeezing tonne after tonne out. It shouldn’t be those moment when you leave a toilet and see people holding their nose while pointing at you, not at all. In fact shitting should be more fun. It is the only activity where you can raise your hands in the sky and your pants on the floor and close your eyes at the same time. I believe it is the only naked activity that is as much fun as sex but without the weird moments after your done. Here there are no strings attached unless of cos you let a piece stick on the toilet seat. It is thus not surprising that after our ancestors saw the rhetoric in squatting they invented the toilet seat.

Ok ok i know this post was supposed to be about matatus and not taking a piss but I couldn’t resist the charm of creating a scene.  And by the way the post of matatus is coming your way mid next week.

And friends one more thing,

“If You can’t afford to laugh at least once each day then my friend you are poor indeed”

who said that? help me find out




3 responses to “The art of Shitting

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