Peotic play

Hey guys this week am gonna do something new and I hope you like it. On my twitter page I profess to be a poet yet few have gotten a chance to read my pieces (if at all they qualify as such) so this week after serious arguments with one very special but stubborn lady, I bulged. She’s one of those straight face ladies who never take no for an answer and hits the point straight. I reckon “Playing hard ball” would shake at her wrath. Drum rolls

 

Piece 1

this was inspired by my random thoughts:

 

I have missed thy tender touch

soul searching eyes and beautiful skin to match

thy pink lips that tremble in fear

dark hair that shines as you draw near

if God ever created a beauty

me thinks she must’ve been as pretty

with curves upon bust and hip

a sensuous attractive smile on lip

thee stretches the limits of perfection

unto places beyond my affection

yet every time I let my gaze roam

finding it placed on you is a welcome norm

for in my wandering upon the earth

me’s never met any like you on this path

being a man not of so little say

am amazed about speaking you I draw nay

 

The last call

You never know what is coming don’t act like you do.:

 

In the tranquility of the moonless night

void of stars and wind even

a house stands alone in full sight

giggle and laughter clouds this heaven

a people oblivious of their changing plight

to the non-understanding eye,a fate’s heathen

the little lad stands beyond the light

rid of deep thoughts by Beethoven

slowly shredding his vengeance and might

years to come on this very spot

emptiness will replace this view

as sweet memories are deluged by rot

and in a home hitherto laden with stew

hunger shall raid all but maybe not

for survival will be a thing of a few

who escaped this night’s joyous laughter

succeeded with gunshots and blood

and in place of a house shall rise a slaughter

within which this lad’s future’ll be blurred.

 

Great week y’all. Hit me up with comments and thoughts and don’t forget to find me @Jahnekoh on twitter.

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Breaking Up for Dummies

Wassup family, I bet you had a great week especially the Chelsea fans ( I hate those especially the ones who double as Man city fans). Stalker diaries however doesn’t get feedback from you in terms of comments and thus I would like to ask you to remember to tell me what you think. As much as we have good traffic we fail to show it in terms of comments. Go ahead shout at me, abuse me, say I suck, buy me a drink but don’t forget to leave a comment. Before I forget I got to watch Shuga: Love sex and money and you know what, IT SUCKS. Here goes this weeks post.

 

 

The other day we met as a pack, me and my friends of cos. Fact is, we do meet frequently but not every member of the clique comes. The ladies particularly have a way of coming up with well thought of “pressing matters” that have to be dealt with over the weekend. We don’t mind having them but we seem to have more fun when we are alone, that applies when we don’t need to cook and stare at boobs. There’s a girl we particularly invited into the crew because she has this voluptuous bust and this ensures we find a place to stare at. It’s a proven fact that men like staring and I reckon women who intentionally leave their cleavage exposed love it when we men ogle at them. Tina (not her real name) loves it when every man in the room can’t look into her face, cos their eyes can’t just seem to notice she has a face more pretty than the valley between her properly curved breasts. Peter (I have no friend called so after all) says that everything Karma wanted Tina to have He accidentally placed on her bust.

So this day Tina decides to tag along all the ladies to this important meeting and she intentionally mentions that there would be home cooked meal, that got all men punctual. We learn that her big nosed, thick-lipped skinny jeans wearing boyfriend ditched her which to be sincere came as no surprise cos Tina makes all men insecure. She is not, has never been and will never be a girlfriend material. She is superbly beautiful with all the curves at the right place and in the proper proportion. She has a smile that got the sentence “A smile to die for” invented. She has a voice that would literally toa nyoka pangoni only for the nyoka to bite her when it listens to her words. Translation: her voice is sweet as long as you are not listening to her words. She has never learnt that the truth is painful and thus she serves hers with a straight face and cold, men hate that. She is one of those chicks you would have make up sex with not cos you want to get laid but because even when mad she looks so pretty. Now the epitome of ugly did himself a favour cos fact is I bet am not the only man in the crew who has tasted that cos when I did I never required any effort at all. She is what men call mtaro, as in the cow that you graze and have any person milk whenever they want. If ever there’s a man who hasn’t believed that “Mwanamke ni tabia” all you have to do is hook him up with Tina. She however didn’t come to whine to us about the break up, the relationship was way over (her words). However, She was appalled at the line this ‘excuse of a boyfriend’ used on her. All men have classic one liners that could be used to ditch that clingy girlfriend or just anyone you want to break away from. And just so you know below are my favourite break up lines:

 

“it’s not about you, it’s me. I have realised that you deserve somebody far better than me and i’m afraid I can’t stand in your way”

“Baby you’re everything a man would need for a wife. Too bad am not looking for a wife”

“East or west home is best and baby you need to go back home”

“Baby I would give you everything you want, except my love”

“Baby, you know how you keep asking me to be more like Anto, I took sometime to think about it and i’ve decided to let you try it out with him”

“Beyonce said “if you like it, put a ring on it” fact is I like it, NO MORE”

“Baby I have got what I wanted in you, severally”

I just don’t feel that there is enough room in your life for me and your shoes and soap opera”.

 

 

some guys use well though out lines to help their hitherto girlfriends go through the break up smoothly, other guys don’t care how they feel about it and simply drops the bomb. There are as well guys like me who will use lines that would be fun to think of later. Many girls have unsuccesfully tried to explain to me how important it is to treat the break up carefully.

If you ever find yourself blank for a break up line just use some like:

I hate your mother”

“Stop nagging me”

“That dress makes you look like a whore”

“You are fat”

My parents hate you”

“I wanna screw your friend Elsie”

and have a straight and serious face while saying so and if you work the argument that ensues properly she might just say “It’s over” and take her seriously and voila! You are a free man. This will only hold if she’s proud enough never to apologise as long as you don’t beat her to it.

 

and now that I know you wish to know the line used on Tina, the SOB simply said

Jessica is pregnant and am afraid I can’t be with you and her”

What’s your favourite break up line. Hit me up.

The whining passenger: Matatu sequel

Hey friends as i promised last week, here’s a sequel for the matatu post. I hope this stands and overturns the standards set thus far. This week i heard that “butterflies are God’s evidence for second chances”. help me remember that and now to the business at hand:

Am an advocate for the removal of 14 seater matatus from the road, at least I was till I took a trip recently. Being the advocate I let my stubborn ass rule in my choice of commuter car to use. This however didn’t bear fruit as midway on my already boring journey I gave up and walked back home. You would walk especially after reading the disclaimer at the back of heinously designed ticket of mbotokoto matatu sacco (not its real name of cos). But that is not how this story ends, I decided to give it another go only this time I let my friend who was lucky enough to travel with the despicable SOB (yeah! That’s me). I asked him kindly, or I wish I did, to book us into a proper matatu to take the painful road to Nyeri. I am tempted to speak about the horrendous state of the road but am gonna pass.

This time I didn’t get to town, in fact I thought  I should wait for the matatu to pick me up at Roysambu. Those who have been at Roysambu have rosy stories to tell of this suburban, am sorry am not one of them. For one I find the town quite random in planning and the number of students who live there don’t make it any better as hostels crop up at every junction and space. Don’t get me wrong I don’t hate students I just can’t stand the male ones. Why can’t they leave the women alone, maybe then average looking chaps like me and maybe Musalia Mudavadi would stand a chance, seriously. This is one town that’s struggling to announce its existence betwixt the suburbs of Githuirai and that hill top sham on the flyover just before Allsorps (did I get the spelling right?). This place have pricks who charge fares of up to Kshs 100 to town a distance that in my humble gichagi would cost KSHs 10. This town however is in luck to have commuter services like Zam Zam and my favourite Paradiso, buses that have literally stretched the limit of loud music in public places.

Back to reality my friend had booked us into a matatu that looked alright from the outside but that was until you got inside the car to the glaring reality of poor music system, high fares and plenty of brown teeth. Did I mention the potential the ladies had in the art of husband battering? Before you curse me, my ex was a Kikuyu and please don’t ask me why I broke it off? Blame the news if you can. Out of all the seats, next to beautiful ladies of cos, he thought I would be more comfortable seated with him. Besides that it was the backmost middle seat without any window clearance. Before you think you understand my situation let me say the matatu was so slow that my grandma could cook diamond into soup on her jiko before I got to travel 20km. And were I headed to a funeral I probably would get there on the 2nd or 3rd anniversary. And if I was going to see a new born child in the hospital I would get there on one of his/her birthday or maybe miss them as well. A friend of mine thinks this was the matatu Jesus used in order to get to Lazarus funeral 4 days late.

The music wasn’t bad at all. It was bearable because the engine noise was louder than it and when you got to hear it, it reminded you of the nazi revolution and post election violence. One would probably kill themselves listening to such kind of music than when pledging allegiance to mount Kenya. Did I say the entire time the matatu was tuned into kikuyu fm stations including the time when I complained and the driver apologized and dutifully tuned into another Kikuyu fm station. I don’t remember quite well about the stickers but I bet were I able to read them they probably would have read, “who cares if you don’t understand, just pay the fare” or maybe “Uhuru. Tuko pamoja”

This would be a painful post as Manchester city are destined to win the league unless we get to have a sunderland goalkeeper who has experience as the full back of the Kenya national sevens team.  Vampire diaries suck I wish the soddy series doesn’t get renewed for a new season. And guys one more thing, Napoleon the great once said “If rape is imminent, relax and enjoy it”

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Am I being an ASS WHOLE?

Am sorry guys but the matatu post will have to break till next weekend. This is cos I had this burning feeling this post was more befitting for this week. Tedeng… Tedeng…

I don’t hate women, in fact I love women too much and that’s been my biggest problem. You know women are not people who are used to getting so much love and when they do they change. When I say change I don’t mean they change the right way, no actually they don’t even change to be worse. Their change is something if I had to capture in a sentence I would use words only PLO would understand. Ok, am not that smart. But when women change they start sticking out their bonny behinds, using their hands in artistic way to show arrogance and come up with sentences like “ …… that is so last year”, “talk to the hand” and insist you carry their 600kg bag through town. They grow an ego and if you think Jang’os got ego wait till you see a woman who has found love. She talks a lot, drinks aimlessly and stops talking to all her average looking friends. (I said average because this is not my blog if it was I would have said it as it is, well thats a lie). That is not all; they grow dreads (easy to maintain I understand), stop shopping for the high end fashion accessories and clothing that made the man (God save his soul) fall in love with her in the first place, nay I meant to say talk to her. They immediately become Oprah and Dr. Phil combined. Beware Oprah and Dr. Phil are not both Kenyans so their teachings belong to vision 2030. These women advise everybody they bump into on the proper ways to keep a relationship stable, fact that the man is waiting for an opportunity to break up with her notwithstanding.

But that’s not the worst part. This is how they stick into the noses of their men. They start hooking up all their average looking friends with their man’s clique. The good looking ones are never allowed close to this clique. They decide, I mean demand their man should go out with them every Friday nights and not to any club but those where the cheapest beer go for despicable prices. They sulk at every action their man do except for certain weird actions like bringing them a flower, taking them out to Hilton, sarova and other high end hotels. They insist you take breakfast, lunch and supper with them every day of the week. They want you to hold their hand whenever you two are walking together on the streets. And if that is not enough they begin to show disrespect to the man who saved them from a lifetime of loneliness. Beware this man might not have meant to have a relationship, he made the mistake of being drunk and taking her to his house rather than the nearby lodge. Maybe the lodge was to expensive or he had drunk all his savings and worse he missed being laid but that still doesn’t make taking the woman you picked to your house worth forgiving. The woman will dutifully wake up in the morning and cook him breakfast, clean his house and utensils and maybe the clothing he’s been reusing the last month. God bless the man who invented deodorant. The man might have seen this charitable activities going on and maybe thumped his chest at the outstanding work he did while the actually the lady is laying a trap. Am yet t meet a man who escaped their traps without a bruise. In fact the best way to put this is “Jakech ok ruak a dero” and friends if you don’t understand that am sorry I won’t lose its meaning in translation.

A week later, the girl tells her friend how she met the man of her dream, beware dreams do change, and the man is praying to God to save his soul from the ‘devil’ and his friends laughing themselves to death. These kind of women are bad but there’s a particular type that I can’t stand; women without ass. These women change faster than you can say ‘sorry’. If you have dated one you know what am talking about. I never really understand how somebody with an ass that takes a million years to hold and when you get to hold it you ask her, “Have I got it right?” can have an ego as big as a politician’s paycheck.

In my world asses rule and no man can proudly stand up and say he would date a woman with an ass less than 5GB, I understand that SI unit. Have you ever wondered the advent of words like “dump her ass?” if you haven’t today is your lucky day. You can’t dump an ass that is not ass because yu might end up breaking their pelvic bones. Men are vultures that much is true but like all vultures they like leaving some for the next vulture to feed on.

Here’s some lesson for all the ladies out there: grow some ass!! And to all the men, be careful who you take home tonight!!