Breaking Up for Dummies

Wassup family, I bet you had a great week especially the Chelsea fans ( I hate those especially the ones who double as Man city fans). Stalker diaries however doesn’t get feedback from you in terms of comments and thus I would like to ask you to remember to tell me what you think. As much as we have good traffic we fail to show it in terms of comments. Go ahead shout at me, abuse me, say I suck, buy me a drink but don’t forget to leave a comment. Before I forget I got to watch Shuga: Love sex and money and you know what, IT SUCKS. Here goes this weeks post.

 

 

The other day we met as a pack, me and my friends of cos. Fact is, we do meet frequently but not every member of the clique comes. The ladies particularly have a way of coming up with well thought of “pressing matters” that have to be dealt with over the weekend. We don’t mind having them but we seem to have more fun when we are alone, that applies when we don’t need to cook and stare at boobs. There’s a girl we particularly invited into the crew because she has this voluptuous bust and this ensures we find a place to stare at. It’s a proven fact that men like staring and I reckon women who intentionally leave their cleavage exposed love it when we men ogle at them. Tina (not her real name) loves it when every man in the room can’t look into her face, cos their eyes can’t just seem to notice she has a face more pretty than the valley between her properly curved breasts. Peter (I have no friend called so after all) says that everything Karma wanted Tina to have He accidentally placed on her bust.

So this day Tina decides to tag along all the ladies to this important meeting and she intentionally mentions that there would be home cooked meal, that got all men punctual. We learn that her big nosed, thick-lipped skinny jeans wearing boyfriend ditched her which to be sincere came as no surprise cos Tina makes all men insecure. She is not, has never been and will never be a girlfriend material. She is superbly beautiful with all the curves at the right place and in the proper proportion. She has a smile that got the sentence “A smile to die for” invented. She has a voice that would literally toa nyoka pangoni only for the nyoka to bite her when it listens to her words. Translation: her voice is sweet as long as you are not listening to her words. She has never learnt that the truth is painful and thus she serves hers with a straight face and cold, men hate that. She is one of those chicks you would have make up sex with not cos you want to get laid but because even when mad she looks so pretty. Now the epitome of ugly did himself a favour cos fact is I bet am not the only man in the crew who has tasted that cos when I did I never required any effort at all. She is what men call mtaro, as in the cow that you graze and have any person milk whenever they want. If ever there’s a man who hasn’t believed that “Mwanamke ni tabia” all you have to do is hook him up with Tina. She however didn’t come to whine to us about the break up, the relationship was way over (her words). However, She was appalled at the line this ‘excuse of a boyfriend’ used on her. All men have classic one liners that could be used to ditch that clingy girlfriend or just anyone you want to break away from. And just so you know below are my favourite break up lines:

 

“it’s not about you, it’s me. I have realised that you deserve somebody far better than me and i’m afraid I can’t stand in your way”

“Baby you’re everything a man would need for a wife. Too bad am not looking for a wife”

“East or west home is best and baby you need to go back home”

“Baby I would give you everything you want, except my love”

“Baby, you know how you keep asking me to be more like Anto, I took sometime to think about it and i’ve decided to let you try it out with him”

“Beyonce said “if you like it, put a ring on it” fact is I like it, NO MORE”

“Baby I have got what I wanted in you, severally”

I just don’t feel that there is enough room in your life for me and your shoes and soap opera”.

 

 

some guys use well though out lines to help their hitherto girlfriends go through the break up smoothly, other guys don’t care how they feel about it and simply drops the bomb. There are as well guys like me who will use lines that would be fun to think of later. Many girls have unsuccesfully tried to explain to me how important it is to treat the break up carefully.

If you ever find yourself blank for a break up line just use some like:

I hate your mother”

“Stop nagging me”

“That dress makes you look like a whore”

“You are fat”

My parents hate you”

“I wanna screw your friend Elsie”

and have a straight and serious face while saying so and if you work the argument that ensues properly she might just say “It’s over” and take her seriously and voila! You are a free man. This will only hold if she’s proud enough never to apologise as long as you don’t beat her to it.

 

and now that I know you wish to know the line used on Tina, the SOB simply said

Jessica is pregnant and am afraid I can’t be with you and her”

What’s your favourite break up line. Hit me up.

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11 responses to “Breaking Up for Dummies

    • for the record the sings are ok but the story line is quite kalongolongo. however thumbs up to leo (in character) and Brenda wairimu and the dark skinned chick and her frend in epsd 1 and 2 after that we had crap all the way. Antony Mwangi should find a new hobby, he super sucked *just my 3 pence*

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