Campus has been good to me. I mean I thought campus will be a place where I try out all those crazy things I watched in movies. Things like telling the lifeless professor to shut up and get a life. Everybody who has watched 3 idiots sure wish they were the ones who were asked to explain how an induction motor starts. Or that they wrote the speech that ‘silencer’ dutifully read. I don’t know about you all, but I thought about all that crazy stuff. Like being the idiot who came up with stupid and hilarious answers to being the smart ass that astounded the whole world. In other words, I wanted to be the jack of all trades. A friend of mine once confided in me that when he came to campus he believed he would be the smartest guy to step foot in a Kenyan institution. He thought the lecturers will make statements like, “Why can’t you be like John? he gets the highest marks, he respects me and sometimes he even teaches me new concepts. I have taught for so many years but I have never met an outstanding student like him.” So I guess am not the only one who wanted to be a smart ass or the idiot for during my time in school I’ve heard questions like, “who collects taxes?” “Who hikes the price of Unga” “Is Mwalimu Kingangi really a mwalimu” But suppose I were to highlight my time in campus I would talk of the time Kish smoked his first puff of weed and became a prophet and went on and on saying, “I can hear the Lord speaking to me. He is saying….” Or the times he simply had too much to drink and revealed all those secrets I confided in him. But nothing simply beats the day when we woke up to find two guys embracing in sleep, buck naked. I know I said CU wasn’t my thing but that weekend I sure went for confession.
Before I lose myself trying to tell stories of the past, am going to talk about my feelings. You guy, yes you stop moving to the next tab. It’s not like am going to cry or say that Jessica’s baby is Asian. Well I could talk about that but today I choose to voice the pains of looking for a job. In a perfect world we all know people who know people who know other people. This people ensure that at the point we get out of campus we secure a well-paying job complete with a company car and a nice big mansion in Muthaiga. But that’s just for the unlucky few who lack start-ups with big potential like that guy who sells mandazi from office to office. Or him who doesn’t know people in the drug world who can hook them up with the victoria Backahm designed Range Rover evoque. While some people I’ve known have chanced on big ideas that could make internet business a joke and facebook the punchline, it floods my eyes to see their lack of motivation or skills to make such dreams a reality. I suppose all is not lost to such people because I believe like Wozniac found his Steve Jobs these people will find their own Mark Zuckerberg.
While I believe am gifted with a mind like few others, I lack the drive to bring such ideas to fruition. I mean I thought about windows 8 before they released windows 7. M-pesa was how I moved money while in high school. I mean you transfer credit from one phone to another until finally you get a tonne of credit on your chosen sim card. Genius huh! Well unlike Safaricom’s rip-off, mine lacked transaction fees so I bet had I licensed the idea I would be that arrogant guy who drives around 560hp. That’s car language for 2013 BMW m5 which surprise! Surprise! got whooped by a 406hp Tesla model s which happens to be an all electric car. Still on my insanely unique and profitable ideas, upgrading Thika road was an idea I put into the suggestion box at parliament. And there’s more I deas from where that came. All the Mwangis reading this post are prepared to steal my next idea and just to show how much I appreciate you coming by I’m gonna say it somewhere in my next words.
In the meantime am gonna finish writing my job application letter and send to those companies that have no idea what an asset I can be to them. i believe am not alone when I say writing job application letters is a tonne harder than writing love letters. I mean in love letters you could quote lines from songs in your vernacular and the lady will never find out or you could copy the letter written by your deskmate word for word and it will still pass. My first draft for a job application went something like this:
Hey guys, I want to apply for a position in your finance department. I totally understand that while right now you might not have a vacancy available, sooner or later Mutiso will die, Onyango might resign or it will be discovered that Njuguna stole from the company. It is at such times that I beseech you to find it within your HR’s grace to give me the job. We both know that as much as you would muse about how I should have five years’ experience, you would conduct training on the job soon as I get the position. I have worked for my mum for several years cleaning utensils, cooking or even running small errands like going to Mama Kathenge’s house to see what new furniture they have so my dad could buy a better one. This is a job that uses the highest level of skill and dexterity and I have been able to deliver with unbelievable success. But that should not be taken to mean am perfect, well I am but Mama Kathenge’s dog once bit me so I have some unresolved fear peeping inside me.
Even in times when the company decides to host a get together I can deliver such rarities like good weed: from weed cake to veve all those things that I understand your social standards have made it hard to acquire. I can be useful in errands such as going to facebook and saying scandalous things about the competing company or #TwitterBigStick them. let it not be lost on you that suppose you pass me by on the upcoming opportunity I will join the competition and soon you will regret your actions.
Am not a guy fond of goodbyes but just so you know, goodbye and don’t forget to tell your very sexy secretary to call me, using her line.
Oooh the bright idea is buying the blocked China phones then selling them after unblocking them. See! I Keep my promises.