Road Trip: The journey

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Six feet two, black hair slowly fading to white, dark glasses to hide his tiny eyes and the large nose beneath it, he stands proudly against the white washed walls of the late night store. Next to him is a girl, a real girl with bigger boobs than we all expected. Well we didn’t expect a girl, probably a fat Indian cat or a goat. Yeah a big he-goat with a goatee long and bushy enough to make Anyang Nyong’o rethink what dumb looks like. Truth be told his massiveness has a way with the ladies, I suppose he stands close enough to them, then leans over to their ears and lets out his hoarse voice spiced with foul smell. Basically, he’s the kind of man who’d chew pk and still smell like he just made out with Arnold Schwarzenegger. I suppose it’s better if I explain that the first time I met him, the quote “look like a pig” probably would define Rihanna. Looks aside, he’s a man of many talents, many of which are secrets even to him. Ooh before I get lost talking about him, let’s call him Rory.

Looking at him right now reminds me of the past two days when like normal campus students we had stolen our parents cars and a tiny bit of money, well not too much to make them bankrupt. We then took a drive to some place in Kambaland, a place you get to by driving through 10 roadblocks every hour. The buses on this road are driven in rally mode cos for an old yellow bus to easily zoom past to a 2 litre KBN is just not possible, unless the dumba stories are true.

Remember the guy who said Kaos suck at giving estimations of distance. Well our host kept telling us to look for a water kiosk painted in blue. It sounds easy when you hear that and remember everything pat Machakos is painted yellow, not so interesting when u speed race with an even a more powerful car probably a 2.3 litre on the sign-less roads of Garissa. The car eats tarmac for lunch and not so pocket friendly for an impromptu trip. So after 5 turn arounds we get to meet our host who is clad in full army gear complete with a 3 litre jerrican imprinted Fresh fry, I suppose for a water bottle. How would I know, I come from a place where water is not new, we pee whenever and wherever we want and that’s probably why we grow to normal height. The guy who meets us, let’s call him Kababa- that’s his real ocha name after all, is shorter than a metre rule. Looking at him makes you do weird things like trying to find the place where his waist is located only for him to bend to tie his shoes and you realise that was his neck. On his feet is a pair of brand new Akala sandals which I can bet he made himself from the used car tyre he stole from Matuu. Truth be told I’ve never seen more yellow in a single place in all my life. In this place yellow is swag and everybody has yellow plastic shoes, free yellow wiper caps or just a yellow sock, the other side missing or not.

Kababa graduated from Juja and the entire village are gathered at his dad’s to celebrate, a vast compound that is gated from 1km away. Past the gate is the dry Ngumalo river, one I understand is where his entire household takes a shower, past their ‘bathroom’ is a huge bump, huge even by Kamba standards. This homestead is awash with foodstuff from muthokoi, ‘maanya’ to weird looking Kamba delicacies that surprisingly taste better than they look.

The moment we get into the compound we are served with water, I wouldn’t know if it’s cold after all this is a place beyond Matuu or was it Mutuuu. Then comes very hot chapattis, so hot u can literally see smoke rising above the tray they lie, with it comes matumbo ya kuku and something else we couldn’t get its name right. But before we fight our hunger away we have to salimia 20 something relatives who dorn huge smile and shout ‘wacha’ into our faces. You gotta earn the meal, well if this is earning our daily meal, it better be good and good it was.

In our rounds shaking hands, some tender others as hard as hard comes yet with a tight squeeze in their shakes, we realise a goat has met its death; a chicken breathed its last and a squirrel’s mbio za kiwanjani fikad ukambani.

The gang consists of Rory, Duch, Mutiso and me plus whatever girl we happened to have dragged along. Ooh Duch is the unlucky one who get’s rejected now and again. The guy has probably known singlehood longer than Raila has known Kibaki doesn’t like him that much. On this fated trip, he dragged Patricia, pronounced Pathrishia who speaks English, a few English words and a tonne of mumbi language. She’s the kind of grl who will use “fucking” and “forever” in the same sentence and lower your libido while at it. The gang thinks by Duch hooking up with her he’s taken onto punishing himself which i won’t lie will be great news to us. In this car he chauffeurs he keep on saying “funga window” yet he happens to have the controls that could do all that. That however is just part of the drama in this car as Pathrishia went on and on telling us how so little she knows of Kamba, well she has as much knowledge as lawyer has honesty. On her bare back is a tattoo of a goat eating grass. Well that’s a story for another day. I switch on the car lights to look for a smokie or anything to chew to sleep but Pathrishia barks, “Wacha kuwacha taa.”. To which Duch whispers to me, ‘isn’t she funny?’

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Daddy Issues

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adapted from visitusa.com

Let me tell you a story, I’ve never been able to forget since the first time I heard it.

“Two children are on vacation with their father at a holiday inn on the shores of the Indian ocean. He takes them sightseeing and even hires a boat so as to give them a memorable tour of one of the world’s largest water body. Being a man of his own words he takes them to a solitary place beyond the rocks to fish. After a number of fruitful moments he gives his line to Mark, his eldest son, to hold onto while he goes below the decks to make them something to eat. But first, he gives them a warning or an instruction you may say. Love in his eyes and anxiety on his trembling lips he says, “Mark and Doug whatever happens don’t jump in the water.” then he scurries off below the decks. While down there, Mark tags on his father’s line which somehow has caught a big fish. At first he keeps this to himself because he wants to take credit for it but changes his mind when his catch suddenly seems to have more power than he expected. “Doug!” he calls, “I think Dad’s line has caught something here!” Doug looks at him then shouts back, “Well lets see!” then he walks towards him. Before he gets there the line gets a sudden tag and before he can say Help Mark is being furiously dragged on the water. Doug, thinking first shouts at his dad for help. His dad runs the flight of stairs to the top of the deck and seeing his son helpless in the middle of the ocean he’s lost on what to do. He shouts at Mark to let go of the line who does so not because he heard his dad rather because he’s too tired to keep holding on. His dad revs the engine and turns around to go save his son from drowning. From a far he can see shadows circling his son and from his random readings his fear is confirmed, sharks! He’s now close enough to his son and asks Doug to help him pull Mark aboard and just as he’s reaching for Mark’s hand he sees the shadows now so close enough that he might not be able to pull Mark to safety. So he pulls out his pocket knife and rips the skin on his left hand and plunges into the water just as Doug holds onto Mark.”

A few writers have succeeded in painting dad as a figure who could change one’s life but am certain this story takes the thumbs up. Many would reckon I did this piece because of the looming father’s day, well I did but something else strikes me. Almost every book I read have painted “daddy issues” as the reason for dysfunctional kids while “great mums” are the reason for unexplainable success. Well, I agree and Yes, I don’t agree as well. I agree because many people can’t be so wrong at the same time unless this is a universal controversy to paint all fathers as absent, abusive, alcoholic and irresponsible. To add my voice to it all, well mum’s too could be provide a better mark for such description yet in it all they have been showered by all the hullabaloo of how they make the world go round and how when the clock stroke midnight they ensured Cinderella had one shoe on.

I’m not intent on painting Mums as bad people so as to make Dads gain some points, well maybe a little. I wanna paint dad’s as the people they really are, passionate enough to make a fool of themselves sometime even so that mum’s take all the credit. And that has been their undoing, while mums drag all their children and relatives to battle it out, dad’s have stood a safe distance not because they are cowards but because they are brave enough not to let their personal battles to bring their offspring to harm. In case you have been questioning how aloof your dad has been during turmoil, I bet today you get your answer. Just before I forget I once heard,

Women fight like politicians, they bring all they can hold onto including chairs, name calling and threats of allegience to mount Kenya, men fight like sheep they hit their heads together even after it pains them to death.

I’ve stayed with my dad a lot so when I vouch for him, I know how much he means to me. My mum too has played a superb role and sometimes forced me and my dad into weird escapedes like man hugging and asking my dad to flog me out in the open infront of my friends, who I had happened to tell that am a grown ass man who gets flogged no more. So much for her undoing, she has cooked me chapatis, ugali and an extract of milk the luo call moo alenya and ngiende. She has thrown all caution to the wind and told my average looking girlfriends in the face that they are not as hot as they think they are. But in all her brevity today I choose to honour my dad, a man I believe there are few like and if at all they are he’s beaten pants down at being the best dad I know of. This is not because when my mum caught me and Anita, the girl next door, “reading” and mum had insisted I get punished he had said somethings are not what they look like. Or it’s not because the day he got me teasing my distant cousin that she’s so ugly that her tits had shrunk back like those of an ostrich he had walked by like he heard none of it. It is also not because when he made me go to church every Saturday when all I wanted to do was hide below my once-white-now-something-else duvet. Maybe it’s because he never took away my 42 inch pictures of J-lo that hung on the ceiling directly above my bed.

I remember once when worms were having a ceaseless party in my stomach and we had taken a matatu into Kisii lands when the turn boy commented that I was fat ass pig whose every dose of deworming drugs had been shared by the worms who also happened to have worms inside them. The matatu had roared into laughter and dad had sat quietly next to me and pretended like he never understood that dialect. When we got to our stop he got off the matatu and pulled the turn boy aside and shot him a blow into his belly that got him flying and landing into the bush. Maybe a kick had followed I don’t remember because fat as I was my eyes were sealed shut from the laughter that ensued. I ended up laughing all year long that soon I had lost weight and looked like a normal kid. My dad still jokes that the worms had gotten killed from the body vibrations that came with laughter. Maybe i’ve exaggerated a little, who cares cos after all you’ll need to have a better story to convince me that your dad is more bad ass.

To celebrate all dad’s who have suffered media demolition and literary torture, please share your stories of how heroic your dad is and show him some love all week long until 16th June.

Oooh and one more thing, Mark survived so lets make dad’s trend this week. Tweet with me on twitter @Jahnekoh and let’s celebrate the men who us happen.

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Here’s my favourite joke for father’s day

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of Friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need. $o just $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, your $on.

Dear Son,

I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOur student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit for kNOwledge is a NOble task,and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

adapted from boyslife.com

Breaking Up for Dummies

Wassup family, I bet you had a great week especially the Chelsea fans ( I hate those especially the ones who double as Man city fans). Stalker diaries however doesn’t get feedback from you in terms of comments and thus I would like to ask you to remember to tell me what you think. As much as we have good traffic we fail to show it in terms of comments. Go ahead shout at me, abuse me, say I suck, buy me a drink but don’t forget to leave a comment. Before I forget I got to watch Shuga: Love sex and money and you know what, IT SUCKS. Here goes this weeks post.

 

 

The other day we met as a pack, me and my friends of cos. Fact is, we do meet frequently but not every member of the clique comes. The ladies particularly have a way of coming up with well thought of “pressing matters” that have to be dealt with over the weekend. We don’t mind having them but we seem to have more fun when we are alone, that applies when we don’t need to cook and stare at boobs. There’s a girl we particularly invited into the crew because she has this voluptuous bust and this ensures we find a place to stare at. It’s a proven fact that men like staring and I reckon women who intentionally leave their cleavage exposed love it when we men ogle at them. Tina (not her real name) loves it when every man in the room can’t look into her face, cos their eyes can’t just seem to notice she has a face more pretty than the valley between her properly curved breasts. Peter (I have no friend called so after all) says that everything Karma wanted Tina to have He accidentally placed on her bust.

So this day Tina decides to tag along all the ladies to this important meeting and she intentionally mentions that there would be home cooked meal, that got all men punctual. We learn that her big nosed, thick-lipped skinny jeans wearing boyfriend ditched her which to be sincere came as no surprise cos Tina makes all men insecure. She is not, has never been and will never be a girlfriend material. She is superbly beautiful with all the curves at the right place and in the proper proportion. She has a smile that got the sentence “A smile to die for” invented. She has a voice that would literally toa nyoka pangoni only for the nyoka to bite her when it listens to her words. Translation: her voice is sweet as long as you are not listening to her words. She has never learnt that the truth is painful and thus she serves hers with a straight face and cold, men hate that. She is one of those chicks you would have make up sex with not cos you want to get laid but because even when mad she looks so pretty. Now the epitome of ugly did himself a favour cos fact is I bet am not the only man in the crew who has tasted that cos when I did I never required any effort at all. She is what men call mtaro, as in the cow that you graze and have any person milk whenever they want. If ever there’s a man who hasn’t believed that “Mwanamke ni tabia” all you have to do is hook him up with Tina. She however didn’t come to whine to us about the break up, the relationship was way over (her words). However, She was appalled at the line this ‘excuse of a boyfriend’ used on her. All men have classic one liners that could be used to ditch that clingy girlfriend or just anyone you want to break away from. And just so you know below are my favourite break up lines:

 

“it’s not about you, it’s me. I have realised that you deserve somebody far better than me and i’m afraid I can’t stand in your way”

“Baby you’re everything a man would need for a wife. Too bad am not looking for a wife”

“East or west home is best and baby you need to go back home”

“Baby I would give you everything you want, except my love”

“Baby, you know how you keep asking me to be more like Anto, I took sometime to think about it and i’ve decided to let you try it out with him”

“Beyonce said “if you like it, put a ring on it” fact is I like it, NO MORE”

“Baby I have got what I wanted in you, severally”

I just don’t feel that there is enough room in your life for me and your shoes and soap opera”.

 

 

some guys use well though out lines to help their hitherto girlfriends go through the break up smoothly, other guys don’t care how they feel about it and simply drops the bomb. There are as well guys like me who will use lines that would be fun to think of later. Many girls have unsuccesfully tried to explain to me how important it is to treat the break up carefully.

If you ever find yourself blank for a break up line just use some like:

I hate your mother”

“Stop nagging me”

“That dress makes you look like a whore”

“You are fat”

My parents hate you”

“I wanna screw your friend Elsie”

and have a straight and serious face while saying so and if you work the argument that ensues properly she might just say “It’s over” and take her seriously and voila! You are a free man. This will only hold if she’s proud enough never to apologise as long as you don’t beat her to it.

 

and now that I know you wish to know the line used on Tina, the SOB simply said

Jessica is pregnant and am afraid I can’t be with you and her”

What’s your favourite break up line. Hit me up.

How to get a man to marry you

Ladies today I give free advice. I tell you when you know if the prince you have waited for patiently will be lame enough to bend one knee( assuming it is intentional) and produce a very expensive(cheap is expensive as well) piece of mineral to ask you the words all men dread, Will you marry me? First of all the whole ordeal is scary and as much as men are thought of as the lion slayers, (read goliath if your man is called David) they are all a bunch of sissies. If you don’t believe me, see how he reacts when you ask him to meet your parents, or worse your hot friends (if he has slept with any of them ).

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Ok let me get down to business but before I do here are a few confessions I have to make. Jessica Alba is hot, so hot that it hurts to see her looking so adorable.

So if you want your man to get on his knees and ask you that stupid question do the following. Mind you this list is not in order of significance.

  1. 1.       Play play station  with him

If a man pauses his PS even once to listen to you, then I bet the writing is on the wall. He is either dumb enough to think the pause will change his losing streak or he is trying to ask you to get the hell out of his life. If he does this everyday, then he thinks you are his mother. That is not good especially if you will want to sleep with him.

If you are really serious enough about him then you need to learnt to play the freaking games and be warned never beat a man at PS because then he’ll start treating you like one of the boys (that’s bad as long as he never sleeps with the boys).

  1. 2.       Make sure his beer never runs out

Beer is all any man needs to have fun, he doesn’t need you but he needs a constant supply of beer, that’s where you come in. Don’t tell him he drinks too much because he will know he has had too much if he wakes up in the morning and doesn’t remember he promised to take you to a picnic, or a walk.

  1. 3.       Cook his favourite food, frequently

All mums tell their daughter’s that the way to a man’s heart is through the stomach so trust your mum if she managed to get your day and keep him all that time. This holds as long as your dad is not holding onto the marriage because no hot girl finds him attractive, he can’t wash his clothes or he’s just a coward who won’t take any risks.

  1. 4.       Don’t grill him where he was

If a child hates when you ask them where they were, my bet is that a man loathes the person who asks them this question. You know men are like animals, they want to roam like a dog, have long orgasms like the pig and have threesomes like a female dog. So if you ask them where they were you remind them that they are not animals yet and that hurts.

  1. 5.       Don’t nag

The reason why he bought a music system, a television and an ipod is to listen to them and not you. So take your place and let the electronics do their work. Believe it or not, he knows you are always right, have more than enough shoes, always look beautiful and your mama is a bitch so don’t make him tell this to you over and over again.

Who wants to apologize for nothing and everything anyway?

  1. 6.       Keep the toilet seat up

There’s a reason its called a toilet seat so if nobody is sitting on it, for heaven’s sake keep it up!! Otherwise he might walk in with his eyes close and piss on it (pun intended) accidentally.

  1. 7.       Don’t throw away his pornography

How do I even explain this so that you understand? Yeah! I get it that’s the way it is, no question s asked.

  1. 8.       Ask him to write down all the things he would love you to do and do them diligently

This I bet is the king of all points aforementioned. If you do this today, tomorrow you will be engaged, believe me. I lie a lot anyway.

 

  1. 9.       Don’t compare him with the neighbor’s husband

If you like the neighbor’s husband, walk over to the neighbor and tell her but don’t start saying who drives a bigger car, owns a better job, lives in a better furnished house, exercises, doesn’t lie all day doing nothing lest you want your man to tell you that the neighbor’s wife is hotter than you.

Keep telling him he’s the best man in the world even though he’s not, will never be and has never been. Sometimes don’t start fishing unless you are ready to face the shark.

 

  1. 10.   Look beautiful and sexy

This is means a lot to any man to walk the streets and keep looking to his left at the most beautiful woman around. Every man feels good if other men keep admiring what he has especially if it is a woman. Be warned though that this will never stop him from looking at other things on offer. Remember Robert Knepper said, “Just cos am checking the menu doesn’t mean I’ll have dessert.”

I hope that helps y’all.

The one who got away

Not long ago I broke up with my girlfriend, truth be told she asked some time off and it seems that is going to take forever. Being the man I am I didn’t see any legal obligations to this arrangement so walking away wouldn’t warrant a hefty law suit and if it ever does, I would listen carefully to the proceedings of the court and make a marvelous blog post about it or I would simply make it one of the laced stories over cheap beer. She was an exquisite woman, that much I can confess but every relationship has an ass. Don’t blame me for screwing up the relationship because as much as I tried I couldn’t screw it up. Who breaks the heart of a sweet beautiful girl anyway? (don’t snitch and say assholes because I hate when you are right). Long story short it is over-at least to me- and now I gotta move on.

My friends usually tell me to take some time off after relationships and do some soul searching so this time I took their advice. I looked back to the first barefoot, flat breasted lady I first thought was my girlfriend albeit till she realized I had spread the rumours to the recent almost model like Nyeri woman I had. Something looks loudly amiss, in fact a lot of things do. First, I have no taste in women. I have dated every type, shape, color, age and even size of head. I have said and gotten away with more relationship offenses than my cat has with stealing my omena. I have dated my parents’ friends daughters, my sister’s friends, my friends, my enemies, my schoolmates up to and including my desk mates but with them all I have been as elusive as the last piece of meat on a beggar’s plate. But of all this my favourite has been the church going patriots who after a life time in the oblivion of sin have suddenly ‘seen the light’ and hoped they would meet a perfect God loving man-read me. Woe to those who have ended in this situation because just like them I have perfect outlined principles, I don’t date from church. God only knows what drew this multitude to him.

I however want to single out my most important date. She wasn’t a priest’s daughter, or a palace princess but she was a lot of things to me when women were people to be feared. In my naiveté  I pondered on the difference between men and women and why a smile from Atis felt so good. I wondered why she squatted when she peed while I did it standing up. I asked meself why older ladies had protruding chests and why their voices remained mellow and sweet. I asked myself why this particular girl however, though just like the rest shone a light in my darkness. Then, I had no moves but when I learnt a few player moves I wished I would go back then but if I ever did I wouldn’t want to change a thing.

Atis was a lot of things to me. She was like a sister to me-back then a sister is the only person I knew I would let to play with my weeny even though my elder sis did it while bathing me. Atis had a smile that ensured every favour she asked of me got done. She was my partner in hide and seek and the times we hid nobody ever found us till the next day. She was the apple of my eye, nay now that I know what that means I’ll go with she was the light before my next tunnel. She carried my firewood (those who learnt in places I did understand that we were sent to bring firewood the next day by our teachers). She carried my eggs (literally) and I always preferred the cane so as not to miss the forest camp fire where we roasted our eggs and boiled a few in dirty water. That has always been the beauty of an egg no matter what you cook it in, it’s inside is safe from germs and sweet no less.  Atis made sure I took the cane like a man no matterr how crying felt the better idea. And whenever she found tears in my eyes she would wipe them away. She gave me my first kiss and told me that is what friends do when they like each other, now I know better.

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When my friends wrote on sisal stems about our love I would adamantly deny this claims and call her names. She would sulk and I would beg for forgiveness and soothe her temper by sucking her index finger (my grandma told me it sucks the anger away). My nanny was quite the expert, she still is.

If I wrote about Atis I would go on and on and including the times we met when I went grazing the cows and she went to search for firewood how we would compete on who could climb the tallest trees. (She never had pants and my shorts were always torn beneath) Hers was the first female underwear I saw, it was black with white strips, nay it must have been white with black strips, who cares anyway what I saw I saw.

I wish I would meet Atis again even though we never had the chance to understand what we did that, sorry I meant I didn’t understand what we did back then, I would love to have a chance to do it all over again. But even if this chance ever comes along I don’t know how far we would go this time when I have been with all this women.

But whatever happens i pray she comes along, just one more time.